My darling sister.
I can see and you said you worry about me but you mustn’t. I’m a stronger person that you may think. Sure I have this crappy little illness which leaves me exhausted but I’m lucky I’m not in constant pain.
As to the men in my life –
Most men, certainly those I’ve met and have seen with friends, are shits at least some of the time. But you do need them for what they do for you. For me that’s general living stuff. It’s self-preservation to desist from feeling permanently angry about it.
Yes I know it will be until the next time but I live my life one step at a time. Perfection is not possible for most people and certainly not for me. Sensible people don’t remember the bad times too well. I count myself as one of those.
On balance I have a good life. I get to spend my days “playing” on the computer doing things that inspire me and Ian facilitates that. He in turn gets a roof over his head and food and drink. we have some good times together and we have some times when he drives me mad and probably I him.
I don’t laugh enough but I do whenever I’m with friends.
Of course we all long for the perfect relationship, I still remember all the good times with Ed – and then I remember the bad. I think of people like my friend Dave (ICI man) whose company I love but I feel almost revolted at the thought of physical contact. I want an intelligent, kind, able, loving partner but of course such a person wouldn’t want to be dragged down by an ill person and I don’t have the energy to remain interesting and awake!
We all live with compromise it’s just about deciding which can be accepted.
Viktor Frankl said
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. “
I’m never depressed. Rarely badly down and my life is so much happier than a lot of others I see.